Here’s some examples to illustrate what I mean, when I say the solution to your problem is not in the result.
You might be feeling unsuccessful in your life right now, you may not feel you’ve reached the place you believe you should be at this stage of your life. You may feel that if you had succeeded in certain areas of your life, like that promotion you should have had by now, then you would be more content and successful.
You think the solution to your problem is to get that promotion, this isn’t the solution you’re seeking, this is the result.
You may feel you have a weight problem and weigh in at 300 pounds, your current circumstances make you feel unhappy and you think “if only I was 180 pounds, then I’d be happy” so you think the solution to your perceived problem is to be 180 pounds.
That isn’t the solution to your problem, that’s a result.
You could be single and crave a relationship, as being single presents you with feelings of sadness and loneliness. The very simple solution to this you may think, is that you find yourself a partner to share life’s wonderful experiences with, again, I’m sorry to say, this is not the solution you’re looking for, this is the result.
The Solution to Your Problem
The solution, or answer, to all of these ‘problems’, or any other problem you may feel you have, is the same, and one which I’ve hinted at along the way, the solution is how you’re feeling.
As soon as you perceive a problem in your life and start to FEEL bad, or negatively, about it, you’re effectively using it to further beat yourself up, while encouraging more bad feelings to manifest.
Take the weight problem above, you’re feeling bad about being overweight and want to be free of this weight to live a happier life. You want to be free of this weight, so your negative self-talk might go a little like this, “I want to be free of what I’m not free of”. You are perpetuating negative feelings, feelings you want to have less of, you’re not making yourself feel better. And, you’re bombarding yourself with mixed signals.
You’re telling yourself you want to be free of something, while feeling negatively about it. You’re sending out mixed signals, which would be better avoided.
The feeling unsuccessful problem above, you’re feeling bad about not being in the place you feel you should be. You’re telling yourself “I want to succeed at what I’ve not succeeded at”, again you’re self-perpetuating more bad feelings about the place you are right now.
The same for the singleton who has feelings of loneliness, who is saying to them self “I want to have what I haven’t got”. Can you see how you’re using your ‘lack of’, to beat yourself up, and creating more negative feelings into the bargain, about your current situation?
You really need to give yourself a break!
Acceptance and Contrast
As with any problem you face, it’s how you perceive and feel about it that’s most important. Every time you highlight that you haven’t reached the place you feel is your solution, you are amplifying the negative feelings and getting stuck in a self perpetuating negativity loop.
A more effective way of solving any problem, is to first accept the place you are in now! Go on, try it, feel the feelings of what you want to change, and readily accept it for how it is right now.
Once you’ve accepted, and come to terms with how you feel about a problem, make an effort to feel just a LITTLE bit better about it. This enables you to see the contrast between how you feel about a problem, and how you CAN feel about it, after implementing this easy to follow exercise.
Shift Your Emotion
Using the singleton problem above as an example, say to yourself something along the lines of, “I accept at the moment I am single, and although I want to find a better feeling place related to this problem, and eventually make changes, I’m grateful I at least have the awareness to know I want to change it”
Or “Yes, I’m single at the moment and my ultimate goal is to meet someone and have a meaningful relationship, however until I meet this person I am going to make a promise to myself to feel good about where I am right now, stay healthy and concentrate on my social life while exploring the many benefits of being single”
Or “Until I get to the place I want to be, I am going to make sure I give and receive love and happiness from the many other parts of my life, because I know I am worthy of both love and happiness. I’m a creative and expansive human being with endless capacity, and I’m not going to allow the fact I don’t want to be single, to interfere with any of that”
Can you feel a shift in emotion about your problem now? It feels a little better, right?
Of course, you can make up your own better feeling statements as they apply to you personally, but the overall aim is to feel just a little better about your perceived problem, any problem.
You are never going to turn a problem around immediately; you are never going to go from 300 pounds to 180 pounds that quickly. And as long as you continue to feel bad about where you’re at right now, it’s going to be much more difficult to take the steps you need to, to make the change.
So the solution to your problem is not in the result, the solution is to ensure while you’re on the journey you feel better about where you are right now. This increases the chances of you succeeding and solving your problem, and allows you the emotional room to achieve it.